You wake up one day, to realize that as you look in the mirror you cannot remember anything. To recognize left over smudges, small gestures, shadowed movements, or maybe parts of the music you thought you knew very well during that moment. To hum the melody in your head, but as you continued on, the music stopped without any warning. To be completely stuck in that broken note, the rest instead is prolonged in the music sheet. You try to move on, thought for the next lyrical lines, yet no melody plays. You see the multiple scattered notes possible. But the musical symbols are blurred, unreadable, and scrambled as you try to search for that exact one. You knew the music is good. Knew it’s one of the best out there.

Remember how amazed you were the first time you heard it? You played it a million times, looked at the window as you listen to the same song. Sang it from the heart.  Probably, repeated the track before your sleep. Maybe even cry as you listlessly lie in bed and stare at the darkness of your ceiling. You remembered looking at the exact same mirror, as you embody yourself as an observer of the song. A minute dies and you suddenly shift into the participant character you once observed. You see yourself sing the lyrics you adore so and see yourself walk through the path of the lyrics itself. You can hear the sound of your breath, the movement of your lips as you  speak the words out of your dried mouth.  You tend to wander, into the world of the music. Hypnotized and bewitched over the harmonious melody. You reached freedom and continued to close your eyes as you silently scream the words out of your system, without any hesitations to lock the doors. To feel the warmth, the tingly chills, every possible feeling in the world. However, every melody has its stop, and so you opened your eyes and walked out into your own different path.

Years passed, and you tried to revisit that same feeling of ecstacy. You played the music, yet a failure.

You believed you knew the song as good as before, but now you’re aware that maybe you didn’t really understood it well enough. I can say that you could be forgiven, but the saddest part of all is that you run away from the fact that you're permanently incapable of finishing that piece you once adored.

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Pag sila'y nagiinumang masaya,bakit sa lupa magulo
Pag sila'y nagtatawanang malakas,tinatawanan lang tayo
Di kaya isang tropa lang sila mga demonyo,san pedro at ang diyos

Tinatawanan lang ni hudas
Ako't ikaw, tayong lahat
Tinatawanan lang ni hudas
Ako't ikaw, tayong lahat

--- "Hudas" , Bamboo.

Ayun, at ako yung tumatawa.

Well, kahapon ako ang nagkataon na tumawa.. tumawa sa mga "nagiinumang masaya" sa lupa. Wala lang, nalaman ko lang naman na ang dami ko palang kilalang nagweweed. Nahihilamok ang amoy, hanggang sa kabilang dulo ng higanteng parke na kinakatayuan namin kahapon. Nakikita ang usok at ang malaking pagiiba ng ugali. Namulat ang mata sa pinakitang kulay kapag hinubaran ang kanilang mga maskara. Ganun pala, para silang mga nagwawalang unggoy na nakawala sa kanikanilang seldas.
Kasing suhol ng madumi na baboy.
Kasing sagwa ng isipan ng isang manyak.
Kasing  laswa ng isang lawang tinitirahan ng mga palaka.

Hindi ako nagagalit.
Hindi nasira ang imahe nila sa utak ko.
Hindi sumama ang aking loob.
Ni hindi nagiba ang pagtingin.

Dahil siguro wala lang talaga akong pake, kasi may utak din sila.
Hindi ko rin naman problema.
Wala akong tama na igamit ang aking mga kamay.

Ang magagawa ko lang e tumawa sa sarili ko, at sa kanila...
parang si Hudas na sukdulan ng sama.

OA na kung OA, pero totoo naman eh.
Masarap ibakas ang mga letra at salita sa keyboard, pero baka maubusan lang ako ng tagalog.

After eating Jollibee, my group sat around the jacuzzi...

"So what do you like and hate about me?"

Knowing the answers from my bestfriends from our past heart to heart convos, the most interesting answers came from the 19y/o boy category in the pack.  I've known them for almost three years now, so the girls were very interested. They said all of these kind, sweet, gentlemen like, and the lakas ng tama comments about us, but when it came to the negative part, there was this awkward silence. You can tell they were thinking really hard, searching for something, some kind of words to describe us negatively. After minutes of staring blankly, impatiently, and with curiosity at their faces, they laughed or maybe giggled and said the words "I can't really think of one." ---- Well that was mostly what they said to me.

I looked at the eye of the jacuzzi as they uttered those words out of their mouths, all I thought was "wow, nothing at all!?"  It was a let down for me, and I was greatly disappointed because what I'm interested the most is the pessimistic side of my character. In fact, even I can think of a million bad things about myself. It may sound odd, but I like adding bullets in my Evil D. list concerning my worst nature. The funny thing is, I adore myself more for obtaining that character that I don't really try to refurbish myself (haha yes refurbish like I'm a secondhand phone). Going back, it was frustrating because as usual, I fall on the pits of thinking deeply the surface, as if I'm figuring out a nonexistent problem. Some of them even teased because they thought that I was spacing out once again as I stared at my coffee 11PM at Starbucks when they were all emoting about their lovelives (and because they thought I can't relate. Well guess what! I actually have a lot of comments in my head as I multitask my thinking and my listening skills). But inside my thoughts, I was more concerned of the previous "nothing's bad about you D." statement. I'll feel less troubled if they were the people I show my sinister self to, but on this case its the total opposite. I guess I use a more conservative view in the spectrum of political ideologies, that I always foresee human nature with a pessimistic view or perspective. That man in order to excel needs laws, moral codes etcetera because people will need guidance to be better (see what AP Government class can do to me?). Even if I knew that ideology isn't proven to be right, I just can't accept a simple "nothing" when it comes to my flaws or any other's flaws. I need some kind of statement from anyone with higher power (in this case my friends) from telling me what I'm doing wrong.

And then when I woke up this morning I found three text messages in my inbox, one of them saying: "I know what's bad about you! You used to be really nerdy (like nagsosolve ka ng math problems kahit lunch), I just remembered! I know this text is random. Anyways gnyt' ingat lagi." (@2:45am) And wow, it did not help me gain the relief I needed from my misery! But it made me laugh because he gave me something positive, well to me. (Haha!)

As I found in some of my friends' myspace profiles:

"I love you" means that I accept you for the person that you are, and that I do not wish to change you into someone else. It means that I do not expect perfection from you, just as you don't expect it from me. It means that I will love you and stand by you even through the worst of times. It means loving you when you're in a bad mood or too tired to do the things I want to do. It means I love you when you're down, not just when you're fun to be with. "I love you" means that I know your deepest secrets and do not judge you for them, asking in return that you do not judge me for mine. It means that I care enough to fight for what we have and that I love you enough to not let go. It means thinking of you, dreaming of you, wanting and needing you constantly, hoping you feel the same way for me....

If ever that is actually true, then I am amazed on how they "Love" me (in terms of friendship or whatever). For honestly, even I don't look at Love as something close to that quote above. I think there's something more deeply behind the term Love. Not just what I hear about the sufferings, the pain, the happiness, the worth from other people. There's still this barrier, wall, limitations, or expectations that we need to abide with in order to survive such a vague term. It's not just acception, stading by, loving, caring...